As I look back and reflect on the path that this blog has taken, I can’t help but smile at little at the randomness of it all.
Admittedly, I’m probably not the best blogger because of that. I guess you could consider this a “lifestyle blog” but most days it just seems like a peek at the inside of my brain – random, discombobulated thoughts floating around with no true sense of focus or direction. Okay, that might be an exaggeration, but still.
I’m not entirely sure when the shift happened, but there was one. In 2015/2016 as my faith and my relationship with the Lord planted roots and grew deeper, a lot of my posts reflected that. When I go back and re-read them, I remember how I felt the Holy Spirit giving me all of those words and just feeling like I needed to share them. I remember being in the days and weeks after my grandmother and aunt were called home to Heaven less than 48 hours apart from each other and just feeling like I needed to write down the things that were being revealed to me in the wake of all of that. The words that the Holy Spirit gave to me would serve as a beautiful piece of my story – a story marked, yes, by grief and loss but also of tremendous hope and healing.
But at some point, the journey shifts from grieving and into healing. And in my case, when I began to enter that phase, I realized that I didn’t feel led to write near as often. It’s been an adjustment and honestly a bit of an “identity crisis” of sorts.
Blogging was my “thing” for so many years and even still, I know I don’t want to part with it. It’s a medium that I love even though blogging has evolved so much in the past decade. I guess in someways I’m a bit of an old school blogger – one that prefers storytelling and connecting over influencing.
It’s something that I don’t think I could ever fully abandon, even though I really only write in random spurts here and there these days. Some days I log into WordPress and literally just stare at an empty post draft yearning for the words to come. The words that I know are inside but have somehow gotten stuck.
In hindsight, I can’t help but wonder if there’s some sort of correlation between my emotional/mental state and my ability to write something coherent. When I am steady and confident and assured, maybe on some level I feel that I can write what the Lord is doing and teaching me because I’m aware. I’m present and I am sure. But sometimes, maybe right now if I’m being honest, I’m not sure. Sure about Jesus, yes, but not quite sure about what He wants me to do here and now. I’m not steady or confident.
But friends, as I’m writing this post right now in my local Panera, I have a Pandora playlist in my earbuds and wouldn’t you know that God is using these songs to reach me? First, Sailboat by Ben Rector and then Remind Me Who I Am by Jason Gray. Not to mention yesterday when Testify by Needtobreathe (best band in all the land) came on my playlist in the drive-thru of ChikFilA and I broke down in tears just before pulling up to get my chicken nuggets. I’m sensing a theme here among all of these beautifully written lyrics.
The line that got me yesterday when listening to Testify is also the line that has been my favorite ever since I first heard the song – “Wave after wave, as deep calls to deep / Oh, I’ll reveal my mystery, as soon as you start to let go”
My brain knows that the last part of that lyric is so perfectly in line with my current head space, but letting go is hard, friends. Fear and anxiety like to pop up from time to time and get me to doubt who I am and who God made me to be. The anxiety makes you grip even tighter to everything for fear of the unknown and stepping even a toe out of your comfort zone. In Hannah Brencher’s book, Come Matter Here, she writes “Some people call it anxiety. Other people call it ego. Fear, I’ve learned, is the thing that wants to keep us in our comfort zone. Fear is the ultimate desire to stay safe.”
As I read over these words I’ve written, I realize it’s all come out a little discombobulated. Hilarious to me since I used that exact phrase to describe this blog at the beginning of this post. But that’s where I’m at. A bit discombobulated and all up in my feelings seemingly out of nowhere.
But the truth is, I’ve just recently stepped into another new season – starting a new job and preparing to move to a new home at the end of this month – and I’m pretty sure that’s what has signaled this flare up of anxiety. It’s been less than a year since the last time I did this and that move cause quite a bit of anxiety as well. I certainly didn’t expect to transition to a new school and a new home when I moved here a year ago and though it’s all good things, the move is a welcome one and the job is a wonderful fit, change is hard for me – even good change.
And so I’m doing my best to remind myself of the truth in this season. The truth of the Gospel that surpasses all fear and anxiety. The truth that I am seen and known and heard and loved by my Father in Heaven.