I tend to refer to it as my “character flaw” but for as long as I can remember, I have had the awful habit of overthinking everything. I’ll keep every word and action in my heart on a never-ending reel as if it’s my own, personally designed torture device. This trait only became more pronounced when I began teaching. I often wonder if it’s just me or if every new teacher constantly feels as though they are expected to have the answer to all of life’s questions, not just the one’s related to your students.
Realistically, I know that the majority of this is probably in my head, but there are still days where I feel almost paralyzed by worry that I will say the wrong thing or disappoint someone as I go about my day. That I’m doing more harm than good for my students or that my co-workers are all secretly scoffing at my attempts to educate the youth of America.
As I’ve gotten older, my heart yearns more and more for relationships and positive connections with the people around me but with this often comes the feeling of needing to please everyone. This, by default, creates a vicious cycle of attempting to be a people-pleaser and then feeling crappy when I fall short of this unattainable goal.
The struggle has been increasingly present in my mind lately and as I prepared to sit here and type all of my feelings out, as I usually do, these words from Luke 17:33 and Psalm 121:3 came to mind.
If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it // Luke 17:33, NLT
He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber // Psalm 121:3
How could I possibly feel insecure with that reminder from our God? Sometimes, I think that we forget that God is with us through every season of life, even the ones that aren’t necessarily bringing us to our knees in pain or anguish. In the grand scheme of things, my daily life and my workplace insecurities seem like nothing. But, He is there for even the smallest of trials. Even when there is a small piece of me that envisions God rolling his eyes at my prayers for peace and clarity to ease my worried heart, I know that this couldn’t be further from the truth.