It’s not something that I do terribly often, but something that I enjoy doing from time to time is to go back and read through my journal. I do it sometimes here with blog posts but as someone who constantly is looking for the story, I just love going back to read where I was versus where I am in that given moment. Most of the time there’s growth that I can see and it’s like God uses those moments to remind me that He is there, working, even if I didn’t see it in the moment.
This morning, I found myself flipping back to the early pages of my current journal and smiled when I got to October 2019. Not because that was a fun season or anything like that but because it’s so clear (now) that it was in that time that real growth was starting to take place. The Lord was moving, actively fighting battles for me against the enemy, and reshaping my heart in so many ways. It was the month that I decided to re-download dating apps after an eight month hiatus and it had somewhat surprisingly stirred up so much shame and anxiety that so many of my journal entries were me pleading with the Lord to draw near and help me fight what certainly felt like spiritual attack at the time.
As I read, I flipped the page to find something I had almost forgotten I’d written. I had started the entry by writing down a question that Mike Foster had posed to Annie F. Downs on his Fun Therapy podcast – “What do you believe about God, really, in the midst of this?” I ended the entry with a list of things that I believed (and still believe) about God in that moment.
And friends? Reading those things now – at the seven week mark of this quarantine – was no accident. I know that I was lead back to those pages in this season for a purpose and the Lord used my own words to realign my heart and rekindle the fire sparked from that declaration. Asking myself again, in the middle of a pandemic with a perpetual feeling of anticipation, grief, frustration, uncertainty, and confusion, what do I really believe about God in the midst of this?
My words still ring true because God is still who He says He is. He is unchanging and unfailing and every bit as good and capable and mighty today as he was for me in October.
- I believe that You are in control. That You are holy and sovereign over all of my days.
- I believe that You are here. In this room and guiding me now.
- I believe that I am Your precious daughter. That I am beloved by you, exactly as I am.
- I believe that You are good.
- I believe that You are kind.
- I believe that You listen to the cries of my heart and hear me when I pray.
- I believe that You can drive out all evil and have eternal victory over the enemy and his lies.
- I believe in the stories you’re writing. That you finish what you begin.
- I believe, Abba, that nothing is wasted, not even pain. I trust that you will not let a minute of the past go to waste.
- I believe that You love me, Father. That you see me and know me.
- I believe that You are who you say you are.
- I believe that You show up for your children.
Yes, Lord. Today and everyday, I declare this to be true.