You may have noticed this space has been a little sparse lately.
To be perfectly honest, friends, I haven’t wanted to write here for some time and that has been so hard. This blog is like a sanctuary to me. In many ways, my heart and my soul have been bared in this space over the past year as God both wrecked me and restored me.
Since I began to blog about things more personal, rather than the superficial pop culture articles I wrote back when I first started blogging all those years ago, I’ve learned something about myself.
It’s really hard for me to write on a whim.
As much as I wish I could pop out post after post that both inspires and encourages, I just can’t. Try as I might, I just can make this space look like the rest of the lifestyle blogs out there who have seemed to master weaving their faith together with topical/promotional posts.
When the Lord moves me, I write. When He teaches me, I write.
It’s not that the Lord hasn’t been teaching me in this absence. On the contrary, He has been working so hard in me these last few weeks.
This school year is hard. The Lord has entrusted 16 children into my care this year and oh, how their needs are overwhelming. I long to have all of the answers and somehow find the magical intervention and visual aid that will solve the developmental and behavioral struggles we face.
I am weary. By Friday afternoon, I am lucky to be able to string coherent thoughts together. Hence why the post is a little on the ramble-y side.
I teach the children and I pray for wisdom. I study and type up assignments in between lesson plans and creating visual aids for my students and I pray for grace. I add words little by little into the Google Doc that houses my wildest dream and I pray for direction and that my story may one day reach whoever needs to hear it. And that last prayer, friends? God answers that one all the time for me. Because so often, the person that needs to hear my story the most is me.
I find myself going through and rereading these words – these words that seem as though they were written by someone else – and being reminded of this incredible joy. As I drove home from work today, with my mind running wild with the countless items on my to-do list and replaying the insanity that was my day, I felt the Lord reminding me of the words from Nehemiah.
“Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” – Nehemiah 8:10
I found myself repeating these words over and over in my head as I drove (I have a long commute) and was just so encouraged. At the end of the day, I have strength in the Lord and I have infinite joy in Him. I may grow weary and burdened by my reality and I may wish I could have all the time to do all the things, but choosing to be joyful in the Lord may very well be my saving grace.
So, I’m in between.
I’m in between a season of grief and learning and a season of applying what was learned. There are days where I just feel like asking, “Now what?” as I emerge from the wreckage of two and a half year season of loss. This current reality of “normalcy” doesn’t feel familiar after experiencing all of what we did and sometimes I don’t really know how I’m supposed to apply the lessons I learned. There’s a reason why the phrase “a new normal” is tossed around a lot.
That’s what I’m searching for. A new normal for this blog and a new normal for my walk with Christ.
But for now, I’ll just be in between.