I don’t know that I really know how to write for this blog anymore.
I thought that I did for the better part of the past year, but here I find myself again. Consistently struggling to find the words to write for this space so that it doesn’t just become another idle corner of the internet.
When I initially entered the “blogging world”, I wrote about my favorite books, movies, and TV shows and I learned what I know about social media and writing on the internet from contributing and running fansites. But as time went on, I came to see that I wasn’t necessarily being sustained or fulfilled by doing all of that. I created this particular blog as an “escape” from the pop culture world and thought I’d just keep it as an online journal of sorts. But my posts were few and far between and I came close to deleting the site on many occasions. Later in 2014, when God really began to change my heart and my life, I realized that this outlet could be a good outlet for my walk with Christ and for sharing the things that God brings into my life and used to teach me.
My life at that time was going through some major changes. From late 2013 to January 2016, it felt as though my life was experiencing earthquake after earthquake. Each family member that we lost shook things up, crumbling away the misguided and detrimental parts of my life so that God could refine and reshape what was left standing. Each wave of grief was like an aftershock, molding things even further.
I began to write from a place that I had never been before; pure and total wreckage.
When I start to compare my blog with the countless others that are out there, sure I wasn’t quite at their caliber, but it’s not as though my voice had become an never-ending stream of words and posts. I did have a little consistency with my posting there for awhile.
But then something interesting happened.
Life got easier, grief got lighter, and I began to feel whole again.
Suddenly, the words weren’t coming as easily. I would sit down to write about something, anything, and…nothing. I began, instead, to turn my focus to something that I felt God leading me to in the Spring.
I began to put my story to paper and I found that the words flowed more easily there. They flowed and flowed, until that began to wane as well. That steady stream of words became more like a trickle.
If there’s one thing that I learned about myself over the past three years, it’s that writing very much serves as my soul’s check engine light.
In our cars, if we see the check engine light come on, than we know that there’s a problem. It tells us that something is up, something is wrong. We know we need to take our car to see a mechanic and get the problem resolved.
Though it’s taken me some time to realize this about myself, if I can’t write then something is amiss. No matter how many minutes I spend at my laptop, no matter how many songs I add to my “Writing” playlist on Spotify, and no matter how many times I ask God why, if I can’t write than I’ve got some digging to do.
Like I shared a few weeks ago, when the Lord teaches me, then I write. When He moves me, I write.
As I’ve dug deeper into this issue, I’m come to realize a very difficult truth.
I don’t think I know how to talk to God (or listen to Him for that matter) when I’m not hurting.
The small joys and grace-filled every day moments are harder to see when your eyes have gone back to seeing things through tunnel vision. In the wake of every single loss that I experienced, I leaned on God because it was that I could do. I lost some of the most important people in my life in a very short period of time and I was very much broken down to my bare bones. By the grace of God, He used that time to open my eyes to His grace and gave me some of His strength to carry on but when the burden of grief was lessened with time, what was I to do?
How does one draw near to God once they’ve begun to carry themselves again? How does one talk with God once that hard times have seemingly passed? I pray for the clarity and that I may find the answer to this one soon.