Finding Peace in the Uncertainty

This post is part of The Peony Project’s monthly linkup.

One of the more consistent things in life, I’ve found, is that life is usually in a constant stay of chaos and uncertainty. Perhaps that’s just me and my life, but I’d imagine that this would ring true for a few others as well. For me, there’s the hustle and bustle of juggling work life with school life and somehow trying to fit in my sometimes nonexistent personal life into the mix. If you were to ask me when and where I feel the most peace, I may try very hard not to laugh out loud. Life is stressful and overwhelming, but it’s also something that I truly enjoy…even if I forget to show it sometimes.

So let’s go through a checklist, shall we?

I have a good job as a Pre-K teacher. Sure, it’s a little thankless at times and working with special needs children brings its own unique dynamics to the workplace, but I am still blessed to have employment in this day and age and with kids, which I do love. Check.

I am enrolled in graduate school online through a great university (Go Gators!) and I am pursuing a master’s degree in a field that I am truly passionate about – Mass Communication with a specialization in Social Media. I have always said that I didn’t just want to stop with a Bachelor’s degree and that I wanted to pursue a higher degree and I do feel very blessed to have the opportunity and financial means to do this so soon after graduating with my Bachelor’s degree (in completely unrelated field). Check.

I have an amazing new church home and growing church family to begin doing life with. In the year and a half following my return home after graduating in Spring 2013, I really struggled with not having a circle of close friends within driving distance anymore. My closest friends all lived almost two hours from Charlotte or out-of-state and at the time, I was working both a full-time job as a teacher and a part-time job in retail, consistently working seven days a week, with little time for socializing with folks my own age, much less enriching myself with church each week. Discovering my new church home and finding a small group full of amazing and faith-filled women has done wonders for my heart and soul already just in the almost five months that I’ve been going there. Check.

God has clearly blessed my life with amazing people, experiences, and opportunities…so why do I struggle so much with being at peace with where I am in life?

Quite simply, I am a planner. I tote my beloved Erin Condren Life Planner almost everywhere I go, and I’ve always been the type of person to try and plan/map out every detail of a trip, right down to utilizing Google Street View to get a better idea of where we’re going. Only problem with these kind of tendencies? I consistently find myself looking forward to the future, rather than taking the time to slow down and appreciate where God has me right now.

Right now, I am teaching and slowly but surely working towards that graduate degree that will pave the way for a career change in 2-3 years (see, planner…). This would probably be a bit easier to deal with and work towards if I hadn’t been dealt with quite the challenging first two years of teaching. On my worst days at work, the yearning and longing that I feel for time to speed up so that I can be in any other career is overwhelming. And admittedly I do feel a little ashamed and guilty for admitting that to all of you right now. But it’s the truth. But I am not ready for that career change just yet, no matter how often I yearn for it. Something that is approaching in the more immediate future is the possibility of me changing schools and school districts for the upcoming 2015-2016 school year. I have enjoyed the school where I currently teach very much. I have learned so much amidst the stress and challenging behavior of my kiddos and I have been blessed with the sweetest woman as my assistant and spiritual mentor. While I do feel like it’s time for me to look at other options closer to home (I currently commute 40 minutes, one way), the uncertainty of reentering the job search is nerve-wracking.

As I sat down to reflect on this topic and area of my life ahead of writing this post, the obvious answer for achieving peace and contentment with my current life stage is God. Loving and trusting in Him to continue to provide for me and make clear to me the path or paths that will allow me to learn and grow in the ways that will continue to enable to me to glorify Him in everything that I do. I wasn’t raised with the practice of memorizing scripture, but it is something that I have been working on lately. Two of my favorite verses that I have come across recently and kept close by are from both Matthew and Philippians.

Matthew 6:34 – “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Philippians 4:6-7 – “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

The Art of Giving Up

We’re almost two weeks into the season of Lent and something that has been on my heart lately is the tradition of giving something up. Growing up in a Catholic church, this tradition as well as the abstaining from meat on Fridays is something that I am familiar with and would practice every year. But now that I am in my twenties and kind of rediscovering myself and making my own path in the church, this is an interesting season for me.

For as long as I can remember, I have given up soda every year for Lent. This year, I find myself stopping to think more and more about the true meaning of this practice and how I, and many others, are really missing the mark.

Last week, my sister and I had a conversation about what we were giving up this year. She knew that I was doing my typical soda-fast but she was still debating on what she should do. She made the point that we should be giving up the thing that is keeping us from really spending that quality time with God. This has been something that I’ve been struggling with for the last couple of years, but I’ve always stuck to the soda-fast because it was what was familiar and I didn’t really have to think about it. But shouldn’t I be thinking about it? After all, what’s the big point of giving up something for Lent if it’s really not doing anything for you spiritually?

Sure, giving up soda and the sugar and caffeine that comes along with it is one way to make healthier life choices, but that is a rather selfish act and not one that genuinely draws me closer to Christ. I thought about praying every time I began to crave it, but what became abundantly clear was how I had lost sight of the true purpose of this time in the church.

While I am still holding on to my soda-fast in hopes to prove to myself that I can actually do it (I’ve succumbed to the cravings at least once or twice for the past two or three Lenten seasons), I have added a new challenge for myself. I have been an avid reader my entire life but I have always been drawn to fiction, particularly young adult fiction. I’m in no way giving up that genre, but I have begun to seek out a few non-fiction reads that will hopefully bless my life. I’ve been reading through Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist, which is amazing and I am looking into her other novels now, and will be starting The Best Yes after that. It’s a small gesture, but the genre is a departure from me so I am praying that I continue to be intentional and reflective on these books and their impact on my life.

While the Lent serves as a time for us to draw closer to God and His word, we can’t just look towards the superficial tendencies that fasting in today’s society often brings. Fasting from soda and sweets is healthy, but is it really bringing me closer to Christ? As the name of the Lent study from She Reads Truth says, Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross.

The Struggle is Real…But God is Greater

Struggle is very much real and a part of our daily lives, whether we want it to be or not. No matter how bad it may seem to get, I always try and remind myself that there will always be someone out there who has it “worse” than I do. Lately though, my heart has been heavy with stress, feelings of helplessness, and just pure exhaustion.

For those of you who may not know, my full-time job is a Pre-K teacher. My class is blended with both typical and developmentally delayed learners, but this school year I have found that my kiddos are anything but typical. Each day when I walk into work, I am met with students who have significant behavioral, emotional, and medical needs. Since October, my assistants and I have tried every single strategy and visual possible from every resource available to us, with no success. I have been slapped, kicked, and bitten by these students on a near-daily basis. Granted, this is a small number of my students, but as you can imagine, the current scenario makes it incredibly difficult to not just come to work, but to actually try and teach. Not to mention there is the stress that comes from still being a new teacher, only in my second year. There is no college course on how to manage this type of classroom.

To put it quite bluntly, my job has been slowly draining the happiness from my life this school year. It may sound over-dramatic but it’s pretty accurate. But this emotional struggle that I have been dealing with is what brought me closer to Christ and renewed my faith.

Some background information: Up until this past October, I worked a part-time job on the weekends during all of this as well. Weekends, that should have been an escape and a chance to unwind, were spent at my second job working some crazy hours at times (gotta love clocking in at 4am on a Sunday!). I’ve since left that job, of course, but as of January, I am in grad school and taking classes online for my master’s degree. I’m still busy, but the difference is that the content that I am studying in school is something that I truly enjoy and have a passion for.

So where does God fit into all of this? (Disclaimer: I get a little ramble-y here but stick with me!) Well, to be quite honest, He didn’t for longer than I care to admit. Working two jobs and working seven days a week didn’t leave much time for going to church. When I left my part-time job, I had not been to church in more than two months. However, around this same time, I began to feel a pull to do a little research into a church that I’d previously would have never thought twice about. I’d seen their road signs every day for years on my route home, but never paid them any mind. But at the time something, or someone, was telling me to find out more about this place. Once I visited their website, I learned that the church had three locations as well as an internet campus that streamed their weekend services at various times. I wasn’t sure what had me so curious, but I decided to check it out. I soon began tuning into the internet services as often as I could, due to that crazy work schedule of mine.

That period of time was a time of big change for me, having grown up in the Catholic church which of course is very rooted in tradition and suddenly feeling like I was being called to a church that was nondenominational and very contemporary. But I knew that God was definitely trying to tell me something.  I had gone weeks without church before (during college), only now I was beginning to really notice that something was missing. I knew from visits with my sister that she found a great sense of community through the two small groups that she is a part of in Raleigh and I began to wonder if perhaps I was craving this sense of community for myself as well. I began to attend services at this new church and the overwhelming sense of peace was like nothing I had felt before. I began to crave that hour on Sunday mornings throughout the week. I began to look at my daily life at work a little differently with each day. God placed these kids in my care for a reason, and there’s no way that I can finish out the year without Him. I began to crave a community to call my own.

Last week, I attended an event at church called GroupLink, an event that matches you up with a small group bible study based on your age and life stage. I mentioned this event briefly in Monday’s Grateful Heart post, but it completely confirmed for me that this was why God was calling me to this place. The ladies that he has placed into my life and into my small group are already such a blessing. I completely walked away from that event with this overwhelming sense of peace knowing that I was following God’s path for me and saw that the uncertainty of beginning a new journey of faith at an unfamiliar church was all leading up to this…finding a community of women to do life with. I have that already with The Peony Project, but having a local group of women who follow Christ together is amazing.

While this journey that I’m on is by no means over, it all began with overwhelming feelings of stress and helplessness. When I was no longer able to keep my head above water by my own means, God stepped in and began to carry me through on His own infinite strength. We can’t do this life on our own. The struggles may be real…but God is always greater.

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