Struggle is very much real and a part of our daily lives, whether we want it to be or not. No matter how bad it may seem to get, I always try and remind myself that there will always be someone out there who has it “worse” than I do. Lately though, my heart has been heavy with stress, feelings of helplessness, and just pure exhaustion.
For those of you who may not know, my full-time job is a Pre-K teacher. My class is blended with both typical and developmentally delayed learners, but this school year I have found that my kiddos are anything but typical. Each day when I walk into work, I am met with students who have significant behavioral, emotional, and medical needs. Since October, my assistants and I have tried every single strategy and visual possible from every resource available to us, with no success. I have been slapped, kicked, and bitten by these students on a near-daily basis. Granted, this is a small number of my students, but as you can imagine, the current scenario makes it incredibly difficult to not just come to work, but to actually try and teach. Not to mention there is the stress that comes from still being a new teacher, only in my second year. There is no college course on how to manage this type of classroom.
To put it quite bluntly, my job has been slowly draining the happiness from my life this school year. It may sound over-dramatic but it’s pretty accurate. But this emotional struggle that I have been dealing with is what brought me closer to Christ and renewed my faith.
Some background information: Up until this past October, I worked a part-time job on the weekends during all of this as well. Weekends, that should have been an escape and a chance to unwind, were spent at my second job working some crazy hours at times (gotta love clocking in at 4am on a Sunday!). I’ve since left that job, of course, but as of January, I am in grad school and taking classes online for my master’s degree. I’m still busy, but the difference is that the content that I am studying in school is something that I truly enjoy and have a passion for.
So where does God fit into all of this? (Disclaimer: I get a little ramble-y here but stick with me!) Well, to be quite honest, He didn’t for longer than I care to admit. Working two jobs and working seven days a week didn’t leave much time for going to church. When I left my part-time job, I had not been to church in more than two months. However, around this same time, I began to feel a pull to do a little research into a church that I’d previously would have never thought twice about. I’d seen their road signs every day for years on my route home, but never paid them any mind. But at the time something, or someone, was telling me to find out more about this place. Once I visited their website, I learned that the church had three locations as well as an internet campus that streamed their weekend services at various times. I wasn’t sure what had me so curious, but I decided to check it out. I soon began tuning into the internet services as often as I could, due to that crazy work schedule of mine.
That period of time was a time of big change for me, having grown up in the Catholic church which of course is very rooted in tradition and suddenly feeling like I was being called to a church that was nondenominational and very contemporary. But I knew that God was definitely trying to tell me something. I had gone weeks without church before (during college), only now I was beginning to really notice that something was missing. I knew from visits with my sister that she found a great sense of community through the two small groups that she is a part of in Raleigh and I began to wonder if perhaps I was craving this sense of community for myself as well. I began to attend services at this new church and the overwhelming sense of peace was like nothing I had felt before. I began to crave that hour on Sunday mornings throughout the week. I began to look at my daily life at work a little differently with each day. God placed these kids in my care for a reason, and there’s no way that I can finish out the year without Him. I began to crave a community to call my own.
Last week, I attended an event at church called GroupLink, an event that matches you up with a small group bible study based on your age and life stage. I mentioned this event briefly in Monday’s Grateful Heart post, but it completely confirmed for me that this was why God was calling me to this place. The ladies that he has placed into my life and into my small group are already such a blessing. I completely walked away from that event with this overwhelming sense of peace knowing that I was following God’s path for me and saw that the uncertainty of beginning a new journey of faith at an unfamiliar church was all leading up to this…finding a community of women to do life with. I have that already with The Peony Project, but having a local group of women who follow Christ together is amazing.
While this journey that I’m on is by no means over, it all began with overwhelming feelings of stress and helplessness. When I was no longer able to keep my head above water by my own means, God stepped in and began to carry me through on His own infinite strength. We can’t do this life on our own. The struggles may be real…but God is always greater.